How to Identify Your Mentors
The very first time I heard serious talk about the importance of having a mentor was at work. Shortly after graduating from college, I was working at a tech startup. As a young company, entrepreneurship was a daily topic. One day, we were having a team dinner and the Director of Operations (who then founded a successful fintech startup) said two things that have stuck with me ever since: (1) an entrepreneur needs to be resourceful and relentless, and (2) to grow as a person and as a professional, you must have a mentor. I’ll talk more about the first point at a later post, but for now, let’s focus on the latter.
I thought I knew what a mentor was (in theory), but as a recent college graduate, I had mistakenly thought that was just a school thing. To me, a mentor was a person your school would assign to you to answer questions and guide you through projects. I had no palpable idea of what an impact a mentor would have for a mentee outside of school life, much less how one would go about “getting” a mentor. If school was out, who would assign me a mentor then? Once I had a mentor, what would I talk about with them? What would the goal be?
Clearly, what the Director of Operations had said that day piqued my interest. I knew what he said was important, especially given that he had an impressive professional track record. I just hadn’t the slightest clue of where to begin or what I would get out of having a mentor.
As years went by after that declaration, I continued to refine my idea of a mentor. However, if someone had asked me “who is your mentor?” I would have come up blank. In my mind, I didn’t have a person whom I called my mentor or had formally asked anyone to be one for me. On the other hand, I did have a group of people I would reach out to for questions or to “pick their brain”. Little did I know that, in fact, these folks were already my mentors. Upon reflection, they were where I wanted to be in the near future and they had quite a bit to share and teach me. On the flip side, when folks were reaching out to me to ask me questions and advice, I was becoming someone else’s mentor as well. There was never a formal request or invitation, it just came to be.
Fast forward to that time when I was sitting in a coffee shop waiting for my “formal mentor”. When I look back and compare that time to the times I had reached out to other folks “informally”, one thing stands out: once I realized I had formally asked someone to be my mentor, I froze — I didn’t know what to ask or what I wanted to get out of that first conversation. In contrast, with my informal mentors, it had felt natural to reach out with a specific question and continue down that path.
That moment at the coffee shop sparked several realizations. Not only did I have to define my “why” and prepare questions to save my mentor time and effort as I mentioned in my previous article, but I also realized that my informal mentors were and are my mentors.
It dawned on me that there is a huge difference between asking oneself “who should I ask to be my mentor?” and “who could answer this particular question for me?”. The latter is less daunting than the former for both the mentee and the mentor. As the mentee, asking yourself who can answer your questions means that you already reflected on what you want to know. That helps define the person you’re looking for. For the mentor, it’s easier to answer a specific question, straight to the point. In contrast, when someone asks you “will you be my mentor?” it might spark a sense of dread and commitment. The mentors in question may not be ready to accept if they don’t know what you want to accomplish or if you have a defined set of questions. If that’s the case, then it can become a waste of time for both parties.
On the other hand, if you approach folks with a specific question and ask for a few minutes to talk about it, could be the first step to a meaningful mentor-mentee relationship. You’re not asking for commitment, you’re just asking to address a specific question. Take notes and reflect on that conversation. At the end of the meeting, promise to follow up and thank them for their time. Emphasis on “follow up” — if you truly value that person’s time and insights, not following up means that you cut the relationship short. Additionally, your short-lived mentor will feel that their advice was not meaningful or that you didn’t take them seriously, and that could be more damaging to you than not having reached out at all.
Identify your “why” and your questions before reaching out to someone. Once you do, apply the insights to your life and career. Most of all, nurture that relationship, you just got a mentor after all.
